I wrote this after hearing some awful news that someone from one of my favourite christian bands had decided he no Longer believed In God anymore. I hope this encourages and people can relate to it. Pls share with someone you feel might be going down that path of unbelief. This prayer is totally honest and I hope it touches someone love you guys and keep going for Jesus till the end ❤️❤️💜💜💞
My Unseen God (For Jon)
Lord I come to you knowing who I’ve been, who I am, and who I want to be.
I’ve doubted my faith, my humanity, my trust, my relationships, my love and my sanity.
I’ve been tempted to doubt that you even exist and to consider that Maybe this is one big awful dream.
One big chance existence of nothingness, a meaningless life of pain and suffering, hurt and heartbreak. A hopeless and lifeless cycle that gives no assurance, no peace and no rest.
Sometimes I feel my frail heart is going to give in, to break under the pressure to just quit on everything. On hope, on joy on love.
But there’s that tiny flicker of light, that can never be completely put out. That small grain of hope, of faith in you that somehow, everything Will be OK. That you’ll wipe away every tear I’ve ever cried, that you will cover me with the eternal fullness of your joy. That your life on earth still remains a fact, that you came from heaven for one thing… me.
How can I deny your goodness and influence in my life?
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I can’t. I can’t leave you. I can’t be convinced into some useless theory of “evolution” or “chance”. Even when I feel alone, even when I feel you are not at the other end of my prayers, that doesn’t matter. My feelings are deceiving as says your word and even I’ve been a witness to how true that really is. I can’t even trust myself. So I’m so flawed and hopeless without you.
Well I’ve come to know that I love you. Or at least I’m trying to. And I want to love you more.
Why can’t I just walk away from this? Things haven’t worked out how I planned and my scars will always be visible so what’s the point? I can leave at any moment.
Truth is to see your face watch me walk away would be heartbreaking to me. I cannot die being the kind of person that just wanted to “do me” in life, surely there is more meaning to all this. What about humanity? What about the general right from wrong rule, like where did we even get that from? I cannot be my own master. I did not make myself. To who do I return?
Lord what is my service. And why do I feel so alone sometimes when you tell me you are with me? Like there is no one but me on this earth. Like no one hears me understands my hurt or takes me seriously…
But you ask me to look deeper. You speak to me through the silence and you want to know one thing.
Do you truly love me? He asks…
What will it take for you to let me go and forsake me?
Will it take silence? Will it take bereavement? Will it take struggles and anguish? Will it take distractions? Your career?
Or What will it take for you to stay?
Money? Praise and glory? Blessings? Family and friends? Maybe it’s temporary convenience you want.
The answer to both is nothing.
My pain and hurt in this life are immeasurable to the rich gaining of you. The dull deadness of my soul immediately is filled with such vibrant and radiant life and light in the shadow of his presence. His character alone is pure riches that I can never even fully comprehend or imagine. He is far above all things.
Our journey is the testing of our faith. The silence is the trying of our love.
Will we really trust God when it doesn’t feel like he is there or like we are hearing from him? Will we really give ourselves wholly to him in trust when we cannot even see where we are going and darkness begins to loom? Will we break under the pressure? Will we quit under the confusion? Will we leave when we feel we are getting nothing back and our feelings and emotions have taken control?
When all seems so silent take a deeper look. Persevere, seek out the riches of his love. Let your love for him be the driving force of your perseverance. God is fashioning that masterpiece inside you from the perseverance and love you show through your “silence” phase. God is present. God is creating the new creature before your very eyes and it’s so beautiful because it’s in his likeness.
He is working himself into you.
Or will you only follow him when it all makes sense. Will you only take his hand when you can see the way out for yourself. Is he only valid when he fits all the rational criteria in your head? When you no longer feel the hurt? When your scars are no longer visible?
To blindly trust in him is true freedom, the true understanding of his goal and riches. Seek him when he cannot be seen, heard or easily sought out.
He gave everything for you.